Story Submission by Anonymous, Age 27
There are so many blogs and stories out there of people suffering through depression and suicidal thoughts. So many stories I’ve read and terrified myself with how much I can relate to, scrolled through comments and thought to myself, “Okay – so I’m not the only one.”
But where from there? Okay, so I’m not the only one… but when so many people are struggling to come to grips with the demons picking at their soul, what do you do on the days when you can’t find something to get out of bed for? The days when you peel yourself off your mattress (purely because you’ve guilted yourself into doing so) and shuffle to the couch wrapped like a burrito, as somehow keeping a blanket with you is a fair compromise.
I live to give; I live to help others and feel happy when I get to see that I’ve made a positive difference (as small as it may be) to someone’s day. Paying it forward, spending some time with someone, driving just to give a friend a hug just so that someone else’s day is hopefully just that little bit better gives me just a glimmer of hope that out there I’ve made a difference and hopefully I’ll be remembered for something good. But in trying to be positive in so many people’s lives, and caring so much when you struggle daily with just not wanting to exist anymore takes its toll. Going through so much growing up, and being hurt by so many who should have been trusted individuals leaves you open to no one. There is the occasional one that tries, but they all either get fed up at my inability to just “suck it up”, or if I do managed to convince myself that they can help and can make a difference, somehow they miss me when I fall, and I get sucked back into barely functioning.
Some days the brain fog sets in; a thick wet fog that fries the electrical circuits in my brain. Nothing makes sense and you wade through like a carby trying to start on an icy morning. You go through the motions on those days, just hoping no one notices that you’re not really there. You’re not really anywhere… just there attempting to get a connection in your brain that makes some form of thought with a stupid smile plastered across your face. Don’t show anything, don’t let on that you couldn’t care less what happens to yourself, as long as the attention isn’t on you. Deep down you really hope no one can feel how hard and slow your heart is beating to keep your shell of a body in place. How much it hurts as icy fingers wrap around and squeeze.
Other days it’s like something connects, and that little glimmer of something lifts the fog and stops the pain, these are the good days, the days that I do as much as I can, the days that I long for and the reprieve makes it worth the fight on the bad days. These are the days that two suicide attempts, homelessness, and rapes make me want to tear the throats from the demons and scream “Not Now! Not ever!”
This is my life: I’m broken, I’ve made plans, but I’m sure as hell not willing to give in just yet. I am driven and when I’m floundering, getting in the car and just driving – nowhere in particular – getting lost and finding some amazing places makes it better.
If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please reach out. Call 13 11 14 for Lifeline’s 24hr Telephone Crisis Support or contact a mental health professional. If you are looking for other mental health resources, please browse our Find Help page.
If a life is in danger call 000 immediately.