Story Submission – Anonymous, Age 26.
To be honest, I think this is the first time in over 3 years I’ve admitted that I have depression. I’ve felt like I was on edge, always angry with people that hadn’t done anything.
4 years ago I got news that I had a chronic pain of the testes. To begin with it was the usual going to see doctors and stuff. I was taking a little bit of time off of work which was fine, as everyone was worried about me. At this point in time I actually started questioning why people would care; I guess this should’ve been the first sign.
A year had passed; work was starting to get sick of me having to take time off. They accepted all of my medical certificates but would moan about letting down the team, which really started to hurt. Even my co-workers had started to question whether or not I actually was in pain or just milking it to get out of work. I’m a good natured person and to be told I’m the reason that people had to take time off for stress leave and the like really started to get to me, but I kept at it and gave it my best.
After 2 years on heavy painkillers and working to the best of my abilities, I started to shut myself from the outside world. I didn’t want to see friends; even spending time with my fiancée was hard. In the back of my mind, I was always wondering why these people care or worse, what were they saying behind my back. I had walked in on a few instances at work where they were obviously bitching about me, where they would look at me sheepishly as I appeared.
2 1/2 years in, I was put onto Morphine based patches to try and deal with the sometimes crippling pain…. It should be noted that this is usually given to Cancer patients within the last few months to let them be free of pain. With no end in sight for the pain and the enormous pressure being placed on me by work due to the time I had off, thoughts of committing suicide were almost a daily thing. People were now berating me for missing out on things or not finishing work on time, not accepting the fact that I wasn’t my normal self because of these patches. I even had a co-worker who I thought was a friend tells me to “suck it up because you’re only faking this so people feel sorry for you”.
Needless to say, I felt like I was the lowest form of living creature imaginable. My fiancée had noticed my spiral downwards but every time she would ask me what was wrong, I’d let her know I was fine and that she needn’t worry about me.
At this point in time, I quit my job. My old boss actually told me that they would be better off without me because my issue was affecting my work and everyone around me. I tried explaining to him what was going through my head, but he wasn’t taking a bar of it. Even all of my co-workers turned their backs on me; to this day none have spoken to me. I felt like utter crap…. I couldn’t provide money for my partner because I was constantly in pain or throwing up. Even her mum started asking why I wasn’t able to work because by now I should have had my issue sorted out.
I’ve now been out of work for 14 months and 14 days. I feel useless; the part time or casual jobs I apply for at the moment seem to slip through my fingers. I haven’t received a call back for any of the 50 I’ve applied for. I don’t know how long I will last in a job before my pain stops me. I’m up and down all the time with my emotions, but being a male I have to hide it and put on the brave face. Anything I start, I seem to have to stop because I need to take a few weeks off just to sort my pain out. Being unable to provide for my partner makes me sick to my stomach….. If it wasn’t for her, I probably wouldn’t be typing this.
I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, but it looks pretty meek as after another hospital appointment, I’ve been told they still don’t know what’s causing it.